9:44 a.m. - 08.18.03 - willing to play it
It took so long for me to realize how much it hurt. Telling people exactly who I am made my stomach turn and my head spin. I'm not gay... nor am I straight... or anywhere in between. I like that. I love people. How can I say I know who I'm going to love in my future. How can I tell people I know exactly who is going to be important in my life? Boys or girls. And why should that be a problem... that should be expected. I'm independent. And apparently I'm somewhat predictable. "she's the girl who does drugs and fucks girls" yea... I guess thats me. I've taken so many days off of my life that I have no way of getting them back. If I keep doing it. I keep doing it when I don't really want to. And because it's such a big ordeal in the social world, everyone tells me to stop in such a fuss. But it's not so easy in the social world. To say yes and then no so much. I just want a cigarette, you know? I'm just going to smoke them. I just want to smoke them. Or make love to them; whichever comes first.
she was just hanging out there for parties. parties. education isn't going to teach me anything. i feel so useless going to school. like i'm wasting everyone's time. like I might not go to college. although i truely want to. and i don't think i'm going to.....
i'm so sore. i'm going to take a shower!
-rosie
before or after
