There are a lot of things that I don’t like about myself, or things that I wish I could change. I think that one thing I can’t change is my sexuality. I am bisexual. It is said that bisexuals are greedy, because they can’t chose one sex over the other. Being bisexual confuses me. There are a few things I have to look at; my parents and family, my friends and acquaintances, my teachers, school and speakers like the Stonewall Speakers.
My brother graduated from high school in 2001, and that was the year that he was in a semi-serious relationship with another guy for a few months. Josh came out to me and said he was bisexual. I was happy that my brother could say that, because I felt like we had something to share. He finally came out to my mother and told her that his boyfriend Shawn and him were in a nice relationship. My mother was absolutely devastated and I guess that I have been keeping up a “wall” since that happened. My mother would call me from work and ask me what she did wrong. She would never ask if I was bisexual or gay, but she nearly rubbed it in my face that I had to be straight.
There was no certain day that I knew I was bisexual. I grew up with the feeling of loving people… not sexes. I didn’t feel like I had to tell my mom anything about my sexuality because I’ve always thought it was normal. But I usually tend to talk about boys vs. girls with my mother so I imagine that’s why she assumed/pressured me to be straight. It wasn’t until my freshman year in high school that my sexuality became a “problem” with my mother. A good friend of mine who was a senior at the time spent a lot of time with me. I spent a lot of time with her, and my mother assumed we were dating, having sex, and probably imagined four-way orgies. I was hurt that my mother was so aggravated with me since she had assumed a friendship of mine was a relationship. Even if it was a relationship; who cares? Why was she mad?
Anyway… I don’t talk about my sexuality with my mother anymore. I tried to explain myself to her, but I’m better off not trying. It only makes things worse. I’ve been lying to her since by telling her I am straight. I told her that I agreed that it must have been a “phase,” along with other things that she believes in with GAYS (God forbid you say that). She doesn’t believe that her children could possibly be gay. She likes gay people… but she could never have gay children. In fact, she tells me that she knows Josh and I are straight. I also think my mother is a part of why I’m not in GSA. I’ve become more secluded since I’ve had problems about being bisexual. I feel like the more I share, the more I’ll hurt people. I once tried to have my mom sign a paper for a GSA field trip and she didn’t want me to go. She told me that having a GSA was secluding to others. I tried to explain to her that anyone was welcome, not just gay people. But I don’t think I got my point across.
Because of my problems with my mother, I could relate to Chris (Kris?) when she said that her parents wouldn’t accept her for being gay right away. I have only partially, kind of, sort of come out to my mother. I still have my step-father, father and a bunch of other parents and family members that I got married into.
On the other side of all this confusion with my mother, all of my best friends are completely accepting of me. They might not entirely understand my sexuality either, but they’re not questioning and aggravated and weird about me not being straight. I feel more accepted at school than anywhere else. I don’t have to hide anything from anyone, and I can like who ever I want to. There has never been a situation where I’ve been made fun of because of who I am or tortured like Matthew Shepard. There has been one person who told me they don’t understand how people can be gay, and because of this person’s religion, he doesn’t agree with it. I was partially dating that person… so I politely ended that relationship, because I think its important to have the same views, or at least be understanding of each other.
I think it’s important to have speakers like the Stonewall Speakers, because they can really make you feel like your not the only one out there who’s had problems, and even share some of the same problems. I know the explanation of my personal life was confusing, but I think it sums up my frustration.