4:31 p.m. - 09.17.03 - so you ought to know
there was never a cloud or even a haze. there it was, i turned around. a gaze. he is so familiar and so hard to see. i only asked another time what is this thats in front of me. i dont know why i never saw it any other way. i dont mean to pick you apart, but i'm gonna jump before the gunshot goes off. the look knocked me to the floor and i was there already. an angry voice tells me not to recognize the familiar love poison. i guess i just want to reel it all in and spit it out. nothings so fascinating and my dream changes every day. what i couldnt give to meet my future. too fast... and sometimes its not much to look at. how much longer till i can kill the killer. all i really want is some peace now. a place to find and come and ... soak in the warmth of homicide. its all i really want. and where are you? where is that look you always give me and i will wish my life away that my eyes werent closed and i had just smiled and noded. the ice would have melted beneath us and then we could have swam beneath the sea. you would treat me like i was a strange princess. so dont be alarmed if i love you for all that you are. your love is thick and squeezing through my fists. your patience has no meaning - - it goes so far i can not see where but there is so much to learn still and i am far behind and will always be about that much behind. the price of death is none so cheap once i've been aware of my falling head over feet.
i couldnt help it. its all your fault. i'll never tell you how much of you i see around me every day. pieces of you shine through my friends and atleast a few times i want to remind myself of everything that i could have seen. the unfortunately better decisions my stomach would make for me and the hands that wouldnt touch too much and the lips that i couldnt feel. perhaps my mind never learned that much after all. i dont like those conversations i can not hold.
enviously i'm happy for you... a diversion of me says that no matter what even if i never speak another word, i'd still never give you enough to make up for the years i've missed and i'm here to remind you of the mess you left when you went away its not fair to deny me of the cross eyed pair that you gave to me. you seem very dim but things look peaceful. i'm not quite as well i thought you should know.
you just forgot about me. its a slap in the face and i was quickly replaced and i hope you see my face when you fu** her. everytime you speak her name does she hear the voice you left in my walls.
even if she doesn't exist yet... she will and its sour. enough of that. i'm just hear to remind you of the mess you left when you went away. its not fair
before or after
