danielle told me she thought carolyn and i were an odd pair. two unlikely friends. two unlikely people to want to know each other. i guess i'm attracted to people without unstable ground; they're just on one ground. carolyn isnt on one, she's on a few and she knows them well. she can look around and pick her landing. she will grow forever. the plant that comes back every spring. the beautiful achieved pink blossom.
i guess i dont want education. don't read that the wrong way either; i want to know everything i can. but i don't want education forever. i want to learn the way i know how. my mother accuses me of not being ambitious. and of having a poor work ethic. she says she sees how i wait till the last minute to do my work. she's right, i do wait to the last minute to do work. and she's good at making me feel guilty, but i'm not sure feeling guilty will teach me to work harder and be more ambitious. but i guess its her way.
i really could have blown up last night. jay's was fun, and i took the night off for everyone, but i didn't feel great. nothing special. it was okay. i guess i have a hard time being with so many people at once. i have a hard time with people; i dont like them. i'm plenty okay with people and i deal with them great if i dont know them and i'm with them in a working environment. but when we all have this huge opinions none of us can keep our mouthes shut for each other. i tend to roll my eyes but i feel its better than yelling. and none of us have grown up all the way, but i think that the immaturity shows when you're the only person with that immature trait. i have a tempermental immaturity i need to work on. i'm trying. with my mother and now with my friends. it would never show until now. i guess it only shows with people i'm comfortable with. its really embarrassing and i feel rediculous when i realize what i do. i think i'm listening and i just hear the most annoying aspect of everything someone has just said. i like to think "blah blah blah" when people are talking so i don't roll my eyes and i will just smile and nod. "blah blah blah" is my favorite.
if it weren't for PROPOGANDA, not one of us would care about how we looked. everyone needs to gain a fucking pound and smile about that. some of us were born with a gift to be skinny and some were born with a gift to be not so skinny and some people were born with a gift to be big.
i like the word cunt. its dirty and meaningful and full of reality and life. i dont think i could call anyone but myself a cunt to their face. i talk behind people's backs... because i feel like i have the right to do so. and don't scrunch your face... because you ALL fucking talk behind people's backs. yes, teresa counts.
Nutmeg is losing her hair in bunches. i don't know what it is, but i find these locks of hair everywhere that are hers. she's getting older. i wish she had babies in her lifetime. i wish i could be there for my sister when she had babies. i bet her and nicky would've if they didnt have surgery. what cute babies. little nutmegwess-nickyless PUPPIES!!!!!!
i'm working on my project: a bee pollinating a money tree with something that says "Bee a Worker Bee for the Money Tree of Hierarchy"