3:45 p.m. - 10.30.03 - derit derit.. os os
the backwards surprise birthday party... i was inside in a house that wasn't mine and they were all outside standing at the driveway and i opened the door and instead of them screaming "surprise happy birthday!!!" they screamed "sorry your not alowed to get smashed tonight!" and i got upset and ran in the kitchen and made myself a drink in spite of my mother who told me i could not get drunk tonight. i felt like i hadn't seen my dad in forever and he was wearing a blue short sleeved shirt and i ran up to him with smiles that could cross oceans and my heart was falling as pure as a stone. i guess i really do miss my father. and eric was there with josh and i missed josh too but apparently not that much. he apologized for eric. i didn't talk to eric and just walked by him and saw him. so josh told me he was being an ass or something and apologized that he wasn't talking to me. which goes to show that he believes... in something. and i loved eric so much and just wanted him to know and i remembered when christine was mad how she said if i knew what it felt like to love someone than maybe i'd understand. eric is who i am in love with, and i may not have a relationship with him.... but i still love him.
the suspense kills like books that you can't read fast enough. like little dogs being kicked. like women and children murdered for the sake of proving a point.
i'm so tired. i'm so tired.
good night.
before or after
