11:34 p.m. - 08.29.03 - when nothing is over
i dont think it's being stretched thin or layed out or completely done. the zipper of the jacket is just at its end. its just still coming together. we're still understanding and trying. and when i'm really mad right now, i'm still trying. but no... you don't really see that. and you can just say something like i dont want to go for a walk and smoke pot. but you had to freak out and not give me a reason. and i think "isn't saying no enough" is over rated and shouldnt be used because it makes me feel like i'm not good enough for a reason. I think we're beyond peer pressure and feeling like an ass if we dont or anything like that. i think you could handle something like a walk where no one would see us and we're friends so who would question. i dont think that part was fair. but i couldn't give less of a shit that you didnt want to do anything. did you read that? i dont care. i dont want to talk about it and i dont want to know what your thinking. if you wont give me reasons for the rest of time... don't bother trying to make up for it and i wont either. perhaps its just the time of the month soon for me and all my angers are just bigger and i'm more easily aggrivated. with you and familiarity. what about a little spice? you said yourself you need things to be different. you and kenny had been the same for a long time and phone calls weren't so big. its change. taking a chance. and maybe not with just illegal substances, but be willing to try new things. but i dont think its cool that you chicken out so easily. i mean it. i am mad at you. i won't lie. i dont realy want to talk to you or send this letter. but now everyone can see. now everyone knows. christine and i are fighting. or atleast i'm fighting with christine. perhaps it'll pass more easily if more people know. that i dont want to talk to you. that i dont want to do much with you. because when it starts with this its going to explode one day. i can't just joke with you like i used to. i can joke until it comes down to it. and then it stops. because you fucking turn your back on me like i've never been your friend. like i've never been there for you. like i wouldnt take you in if you ran away. like my shoulder wouldnt be there if you needed it. like i'd never talk with you forever on the phone or make you a drink with liquor from my cabinet. and usually i dont know what to say when you talk about kenny because i'm not there yet. i dont know it yet to support you like that. and your not in this scene i'm in. you dont know what to do. you dont know what peer pressure really feels like yet the way i do. and you pull stupid shit out of your ass for no reason sometimes and i cant stand it. thats when i need a break. need some air and just need to be away.
in other words. i need to be a bitch.
and sometimes i need things for me. don't call me jealous. i'm not. i dont always do things for me. i take a lot of fucking time for other people. and i take so much time for you . because i love you and i always will. because i love you more than myself sometimes. because i miss you endlessly sometimes. and christine. theres no one else like that for me.
even if everyone mistakes us for lesbians sometimes. they'll just have to deal with it. we're too hot girls that are best friends. ... perhaps no one will really understand that but us.
before or after
