okay so not exactly. but arn't we all going to the library tomorrow morning and not going to talk about this? Because christine meant nothing and just wants to write things down, sara is figuring herself out and rachael is exhausted with this shit. couldn't we all just lock these fucking diaries from each other so not to disturb each other? look. my diary is turning into mumbo jumbo tell me this tell me that... and not my original intention! i love to write. i had a fantasy to write a novel. one day. one day i'll get a chance. until then, i'm stuck in high school with these fuckers who think they're grown up. including myself. i've become quiet and pretty alone. no one gives a shit and no one likes to flirt with me. if they do, than its a joke and they were dared to do so. and i dont want a mother fucking comparison about how bad YOUR life is and how you NEVER have boys and you just want a boy and blah blah blah whatever anyone has to say. i just said one fucking thing. i complained. i'm done complaining.

I guess i'm angry that things have changed too. i'm not angry that we have a lot of friends. friends... people... its all good. but i guess when it was only three, or five, or a few... i felt like i had more. but having a big group of friends taught me that there is more to life than yourself. having a big group of friends teaches you that you have to do more to make more people happy. sometimes making others happier is at your expense, and may cost you time and effort. god forbid!

I myself walk away from selfishness as much as I can remember to do so. I can not listen to the trash ... and will try not to talk it. in a few weeks, this will just be another entry nobody is going to look back on. i dont want to fucking read it to all my friends and have them remember the good old days of back when we got into fights and couldn't resolve them.

i dont know if anyone has a hard time reading this, but i have a hard time reading christines, tylers, saras, rachael's diaries when i know they're about this stupid shit nobody can get over.

sara, i'm not like you. i can't wait for other people. i feel i'm already there... and ready to go. i'm ready to fly and ready to soar and some of you are still buying your tickets and packing your bags.

i'm in the room next door and i'm slamming my music and sitting on a slate of ice. my hair is long and dirty and i have my sundress rolled up between my legs because i like it there. i smile alone and laugh at the others.

i love you girls. when i'm in the mood, that is.